I AM NOT MY TRAUMA

 

Blazer: Zara Shoes: Sharkina by Christain Louboutin Bag: Mia Mini Knot Padded Top Bag by A.W.A.K.E Mode

(Warning this post might be triggering, the intention of this post is not to trigger anyone but to talk about my experience.)

Greetings Earthlings, 

I keep professing that I'll be more active on my blog, but honestly, I'm going to accept that what I am doing is the best I can do. Sometimes I wish I was one of those bloggers that make a post daily or even more frequently. I've accepted that I am not them, this is me and the best that I can be. I believe that I am going to be enriched by my journey because I have learned to kill comparison. This is it; this is me, it's my blog and I can post when I feel led to. I believe that those who should receive the message will. I was led to write a post on some things that I didn't know were influencing the intimate relationships I've been having. We never truly know the effects of our experiences until it hits us in the face. Human beings are so good at masking pain, instead of recognizing the pain and learning methods of healing, in some cases we try to forget it ever happened. 

 How old were you when someone of the opposite sex made a pass at you that made you feel uncomfortable? 

 I was nine years old when this happened to me. I'll talk about this encounter before I get to the point I'm trying to make. I recall it being a summer evening I was walking side by side with my mom. I was wearing a t-shirt and some shorts. My mom is very fashionable so we were always well-dressed whenever we would go out. An older man who might have been in his late forties or early Fifties at the time was coming in the opposite direction of myself and my mom. My mom saw the way the man was looking at us/me, so she held my hand a little tighter and watched him as he went by us. He mumbled "Sexy" under his breath as he went by, he turned around to check us out and my mom asked him what he was looking at. I would have assumed he was looking at my mom, but he made a comment that stuck with me. He said, "It's not my fault she looks better than you", my mom was furious. She is very feisty and would take on any battle to protect herself and her children. The commotion caused a big crowd to gather around as people heard what was happening and came to our defense. My mom was almost in tears, I could hear the pain in her voice.  

This incident scared me, and I never wanted to wear shorts again in my life. I would shy away from certain clothing items. I would cry and plead with my mom when she would buy or try to get me to wear them. Luckily for me, my mom wasn't pushy, and she didn't force me to wear things I didn't feel comfortable in. At one point in my life, I wanted to become a Muslim, I wanted to cover up to protect myself from these predators. I’ve grown to understand that whether I wore fewer or more clothes, this wouldn’t have stopped me from being a victim of these assaults. 

Nearly all sexual harassment at work goes unreported – and those who do report often see zero benefits.

I've had several experiences where I was touched inappropriately without my consent. This shaped the relationships I had with my partners. When my partner would touch or grab me without my awareness it would make me aggressive. Not because I didn't want him to, but because of how I would always have to defend myself and my body. While I do desire to be touched and loved on, it wasn't being conveyed that way. As I’m typing this post, I recognize that my relationship with men would start off great. I would be shy but very loving until my partners gave me reasons not to trust them anymore, then I would go into resistance mode. I would still be open to certain behaviors, but my antennas were up, and this isn’t good for my health or the relationship. So how am I planning on coping? 

The first thought I had was to leave when I no longer felt safe. Realistically, that’s all I’ve been doing. I’ve been running away from the problem. Running away is so overwhelming, but I refuse to exhaust myself in things I can’t control. I might have a different view later and I accept them as they come, but as of now running away isn’t an option.

Photo Cred: Facebook 

My mother was so protective of me, I grew up very sheltered I couldn’t spend nights at my family's or friend's house. If we were having a sleepover it was happening at my house. I participate in things and I didn't ask to do certain things; I was the child that was either always on the stoop or in my room. For a while, I didn't go places unless it was with my mom. When I turned eighteen my mom loosened the chokehold, she had on me. I still couldn't go out much. However, I grew to appreciate the way my mom protected me; I'll explain why later in this post. I was physically assaulted by two different guys that lived in the area. I never gave them reasons to think I was interested in them, nor did we exchange words on that level. I was in my late teenage years when I walked to the store that was right around the corner from my house. The guy that lived next door approached me on a bike and grabbed my ass, I got aggressive with him, pushed him away, and cursed at him, I knew I couldn't fight him off, he had an intimidating look, so I ran home to get my mom. She fought most of the battles I couldn't and this leaves me concerned. She has never experienced being soft and standing in her feminine energy. I'm sure this is a whole post itself. 

One day I was on my stoop, which was kind of the hangout spot. Not many people were outside, I was out catching some fresh air when a guy from the area and a guy from the building next door (not the same guy from above) came by to engage in some light conversations. I can't even remember how we got to him assaulting me, but he did. It seemed it was a bet he made with the guy next door because he thought it was hysterical. My mom wasn't home when he grabbed me inappropriately, I went inside the house silently and clearly upset at what had occurred. I went upstairs, and I poured some salt into my hand, I grabbed two plastic bags and ran back down. When I got back outside, he was sitting in the spot that I was in I went by him grabbed some rocks to fill my bag, and then let him have it. I won't go into all the details, but he apologized and left the scene. Years later, I found out he was arrested for sexually assaulting a minor. Go figure!

I quit almost every job I ever had because I was being harassed by a worker of the opposite sex. I'll tell you guys about the two, which I regret not reporting. I worked at Target for a few months the team member was a security guard, he would creepily walk by just to have light conversations, it started off cool and didn't seem like it would eventually be a problem. Then he started telling me I was beautiful, he would compliment my smile or the fragrance I was wearing, this went on for days, I made it very clear that I wasn't interested and that I had a boyfriend at the time. He was big and intimidating so I just stopped showing up to work. 

I worked at Sears for two weeks or less, I quit because I was being harassed by the security guard, he was an older guy. He would call me while I'm at the register, to tell me how beautiful I was looking and that he was watching me. It was so uncomfortable and creepy. At the time I had a friend that was working there as well, I told her what was happening, and I stopped showing up to work. I remember thinking I was new, and I didn’t want to be the problem, while I got the job because I wanted to make my own money I left because it was the easy thing to do. The thought that I could just get another job and the fact that I would never have to see those guys again helped drive my decision to leave. I didn’t think at the time that it could happen to someone else and that they were the ones that needed to leave. 

 

There was one incident I got very close to reporting, but I didn't, I didn't because I felt bad for the loser. I was a new Navy seaman on my boat when a shipmate grabbed my ass, he was of a higher rank. I got aggressive with him, and he begged me not to report it. He apologized and mentioned that he was transferring soon and that I wouldn't see him around anymore.

Blazer: Zara Shoes: Maddie leather Ankle Strap by Alexandre Birman Bag: Mia Mini Knot Padded Top Bag by A.W.A.K.E Mode

 

While in the service I heard many stories of women who were sexually harassed and assaulted, and it made me grateful for the way my mom tried to protect me. While there was only so much, she could do I appreciate her efforts.

I pushed all these things away and thought that was it, but it wasn't. It was clear when it was showing up in my marriage. I forgot all these things happened to me. My husband would touch me, and I would get aggressive and tell him not to touch me, sometimes I would even curse at him. I wasn't aware that I was doing this, it of course wasn't my intention. I always desired equal love, affection, and attention from the partners I choose to be with. So why was I being so cold when I was getting it from people, I do care about and love? My body was keeping the score. 

It took a while, but eventually, I recognized the effects of what I have been through and how it was playing out in my relationships. How often are we doing things unintentionally, without realizing how it affects those around us? 

I was led to write this post to release myself from the negative energy of the trauma associated with being assaulted by people without my consent, which I was holding in my system. I release it and I’m making a vow to do better whenever it shows up. I pray that I can recognize the effects of my actions that are hurting the people I love and the people that want to love me because we are equally deserving of this wondrous feeling. 

Blazer: Zara Shoes: Sharkina by Christain Louboutin Bag: Mia Mini Knot Padded Top Bag by A.W.A.K.E Mode

I forgive myself for storing these traumas. I forgive myself for the survival patterns I picked up while enduring these traumas. Forgiving myself is accepting the things I can't change. I'm happy that I've been able to recognize these behaviors and can now work on a way to move forward. I will also work on being more intentional with my words and aggression, they are my own and not to be placed on anyone else. I was led to write this post to release myself from the negative energy of the trauma associated with being assaulted by people without my consent, which I was holding in my system. While sharing my story and my experiences. I release it and I’m making a vow to do better whenever it shows up. I pray that I can recognize the effects of my actions that are hurting the people I love and the people that want to love me because we are equally deserving of the wondrous feeling. 

I decided to heal because I am ready to experience and fully embrace my soft girl era, Cheers to that! I am no longer fighting with myself and others. 

I am and will always be Victorious! 

PS: I LOVE YOU!

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