Life has been a lot of things lately and I'm totally embracing the yuck!
Before we get into the meat of this post, I would like to share a quick note I wrote to myself on October 4, 2021:
I forgive you for always taking more than you should. I forgive you for allowing others to take your kindness for weakness. You are strong, beautiful and resilient. You are deserving of all that you give and all that you aspire to achieve. You know your worth and know the things you desire. Stop settling for these temporary feelings. By loving on yourself you will teach others how to love you. STOP settling! STOP people pleasing!
I'm very big on people treating me how I deserve to be treated. I guess you can say I was one of those who was "raised on love", I don't tolerate certain behavior when it comes to how I interact with people and how they interact with me. I approach everyone with openness and love, in return that is all I ask for. I understood a long time ago that people will do what you allow them to do. This has taught me to NOT be silent when someone does something that doesn't align with my being.
The third time I received the call was a month before my dad parted. My aunt called me frantically. She mentioned that he might've had a heart attack. He was experiencing chest discomfort and thought his blood pressure might have been high. This happened right after we start communicating and working on repairing our relationship. He was on the phone with my uncle before this happened. Somehow they lost connection and it caused an uproar. Once I got off the phone with my aunt, I called my dad. He picked up on the first ring and I let out a sigh. My exact words to him were "I'm so happy to hear your voice", he let out this grunt and I asked him what was wrong. He went over his symptoms and I asked him to go to the emergency room. He didn't seem thrilled about my idea, so I called back up. He ended up going to the hospital and he was admitted for the night.
The fourth and last time I was leaving Coney Island a well-known amusement park in Brooklyn, New York, I was with my boys. I was feeling off before we got there, This funny feeling came on suddenly, then when we got there nothing was aligning the way it should, so I decided to leave. My oldest was upset because he was looking forward to a day of fun. I just couldn't knock the weird feeling I was having. I got in my car to head back home and the traffic was so thick I was becoming so annoyed. Then my phone rang, I answered it to hear my aunt crying and screaming your dad is gone. The weird feeling I was having faded, as I was now filled with emotions of disbelief, of course, I remained calm, I didn't want to get into a panic. I called my brother who was with my dad, but he didn't answer. I called a cousin of mine who is back home and he tried to reassure me that what I was hearing was true. I still didn't believe what was going on, my body started giving me little confirmation that this was in fact true. I started crying but was able to make it to an area that was close to the house and safe. I couldn't hold it in anymore, I started shaking and crying even more. At that point, I just wanted to be in the presence of my mom. In her presence, I would feel safe and comforted.
October 7, 2020
Dear Dad,
You are a shitty parent because you refuse to take accountability for your lack of effort and actions. You have been one-sided about ALL the relationships in your life and not just with your children. A relationship works BOTH ways. You have to apply the same, in your case SOME effort. The same effort you put into providing for yourself should be the same effort you put into a relationship with your children. You think you don’t need your children to survive, you don’t have to work towards a relationship with us. Most girls aspire to marry a man like their dad. I aspire to NEVER encounter a man like you on that level of intimacy. I’m sorry it took me this long to recognize the bond that we possessed.
I wrote this because I was mad at my dad. The reality is he wasn't a shitty parent, but my expectations were. This was the longest period we went without speaking to each other. Life threw us both curveballs and we needed each other at the time, neither of us knew how to deal with our own shit and be there for each other. Which pretty much sucked, I expected him to understand what I was dealing with despite what he was facing and this was wrong on so many levels, I've definitely learned a very valuable lesson. During our time of not speaking, I wanted to call him so many times or even pop up and surprise him like I normally would. I forced myself to pretend like I didn't care and our not speaking wasn't bothering me, but it was. I was trying so hard to not care and was very tired of always being the bigger person. We are both so very stubborn, it's pretty sad how childish these behaviors are. I'm so glad I can identify this and do what I can to work on it.
Knowing my dad's background as a child, knowing he never healed from his own pain and suffering, he did the best he could. I never questioned his love, but I did question his parenting style. It was so different from my mom. I read a quote that said “People raised on love see things differently than those raised on survival” this resonated with my soul. It was in that moment I realized that love had different ways of showing up from our parents. I was too busy comparing the relationship I was having with my mom and how different it was from my dad's. I was busy subconsciously comparing the false narratives I would see on Tv and my reality. All I wanted was a Carl Winslow or a Philip Banks, I wanted the relationship they had with their children.
How unfair was it for me to want my dad to live up to men that were made up for a role? If only I appreciated what I had. If only I understood the power of being grateful and appreciated the efforts my parents made.
My dad tried the best he could and although I wanted more I've learned to be grateful. I came to terms with this Mother's Day 2020 When my dad reached out via text after almost a year of not speaking. I decide in my mind that moving forward I would love on him while he was alive. Little did I know that this time would be very short. I was mad at myself for taking so long to come to terms with this. I was angry with him because I felt like he knew he was sick and didn't get the care he needed.
Every day Since May 10, 2020, I would assure my dad that I loved him after every conversation. We were turning over a new leaf.
To be Continued....
I am and will always be Victorious!
PS: I LOVE YOU!
Don't forget to get my book #SorryMelody on Amazon.
Wow wow wow. Your testimony was so touching. It opened my eyes to how our expectations can mislead our relationships with people. May The Most High continue to utilize you and your platforms to help others heal, grow and love.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your experience. I too had a very tumultuous relationship with my dad. I officially met him when I was sixteen. He had migrated to Canada when I was eight. The eight years I knew him for was a mixed bag. I loved him dearly. He supported through some things. When he died we weren’t speaking to each other. I was pissed he had gone to jail. I felt like I was the adult and he was the child. After he died his friends expressed how proud he was of me. ( He never told me this). Over the next 20 years I have learnt to love and honor the person he was. He was an imperfect being trying to navigate life the best he could. I give him the same grace, I give to myself.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you turned over a new leaf - I had almost the same problem with my mom not wanting to talk to me anymore because my 2 other sisters had hurt her and she didn't want to be hurt anymore - but we turned over a new leaf too
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